*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
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Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*