Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
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I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain