Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
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People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST