What’s this sorcery? 😂
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I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive