ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
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[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
#MeanwhileInCanada
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies