*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
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Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy