Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
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Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets