Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
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Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge