[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
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It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Have a lovely day 😊
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year