Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
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Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
the only organized thing in my life is crime
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
just leave it at the foot of the bed
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy