A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
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me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Tier 3 meme
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.