The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
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Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
X-tra spooky blend
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”