do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
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Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
If you had more money you’d be happier.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet