[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
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Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.