Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
You Might Also Like
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”