Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
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I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Why is this me 😫
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
I think they could have phrased this better
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount