Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
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If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what