My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
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why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano