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garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Doormats are a gateway rug.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]