OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
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Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind