*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
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What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
I will never stop laughing at this
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.