This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
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Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
that wasn’t the question