Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
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I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
☺️
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
5 ways to appear taller
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*