*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
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Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees