[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
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May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
This week’s mood.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?