best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
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Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*