As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
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Blew my mind.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.