I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
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Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.