I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
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My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.