Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
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I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*