I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
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*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.