Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
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I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
why I oughta
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Smells like a challenge to me
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet