Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
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[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
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Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Saturday
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.