Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
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Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat