Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
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Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!