Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
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Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
something like this could probably happen to anyone