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“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
sry
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away