Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
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Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.