Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
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*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
When you kidnap a writer.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
✌️
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean