is this meant to deter me
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a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
how to have an accident 101
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
yes, those are my real potatoes.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate