I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
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ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.