*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
You Might Also Like
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no