If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
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Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Jurassic park gets weird
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too