My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
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is it earth
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
for all #parents out there
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you