[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
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My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”