I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
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Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
hear me out : pockets for your socks
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
What the hell happened here.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats