The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
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“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
happy friday
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much