me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
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I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.