[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
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Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.