[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
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I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit